


sans: private eyesocket

by Toriel_Dreemurr



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Detective, F/M, Gen, Murder, Mystery, Romance, Undertale AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-06-09 16:49:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6915268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toriel_Dreemurr/pseuds/Toriel_Dreemurr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Long ago, two races ruled over Earth: humans and monsters. One day, war broke out between the two races. After a long battle, the humans were victorious. Beaten, the monsters fled, only to be pursued. When the monsters reached the Wastelands- massive desert and mountain regions, surrounded by cliffs, the one place where most humans dared not go- seven of the humans’ greatest magicians sealed them there with a magic spell. And there the monsters remained, fearing the consequences that could arise from breaking the barrier, hating the humans from a distance but not daring to retaliate. But not all feel this way- why carry the fear left over from generations ago? Younger monsters are starting to grow more courageous, feeling an urge to break the barrier and reclaim their rightful spot in the world. Monsters are beginning to wake to their predicament, and many join the mysterious Underground, to fight for their freedom.  However, things are not as they appear, nor as they should be; for something that should have never been has returned.<br/>Ebott Canyon, 201X. They say that those who climb the cliffs never return...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bone Sweet Bone

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody! This AU is inspired by some of +The Musical Ghost's Undertale Swing Remixes on Youtube- so check them out! Thank you all for reading~

It was dry, it was hot- tibia honest, it was just plain dusty... But, it was home.

The short, boney skeleton, his bowler hat tilted down across his face, sat in his tall-backed swivel chair, facing away from the door and his desk, looking out the window. That way, he hoped, people would assume he wasn’t home. Of course, he would like it if people didn’t know where he lived- but the sign up front labeled “sans: private eye-socket” was a _dead_ giveaway. Of course, it didn’t matter whether the sign below said “on lunch break” or not- people would always come knocking.

It was just another Wednesday. During one of his legally mandated lunch breaks. He didn’t like customers on Wednesdays- or on any day, really. But he had his business, so the customers came. He wasn’t any big-shot detective guy- he mainly took little cases, like catching a donut thief at Muffet’s saloon or the stealer of a spaghetti recipe. But after his biggest job, rescuing Grillby’s younger sister Fuku, a green fire monster, from where she was purposefully trapped behind a waterfall in the Oasis, people seemed to respect him a little more than he felt he deserved. It was he who had found her, true, but... He didn’t quite feel like he should be getting all the clients he did.

There were always some nut cases- weren’t there in every job? Like when Doggo tried to sue Lesser Dog for building snow dogs next to his “No Moving” sign, or when Alphys, the nerdy math lizard always caught up in her experiments, asked for help to find her glasses. That was the shortest case he had ever had- the glasses were on top of her head. However, that case still surprised him. Mostly because he wasn’t used to dealing with anyone who worked for the high-up monsters in society. Really, there were only two of them.

One was Toriel, a furry boss monster. After her exile, she had gone to live in the Oasis, the watery region between the Mounts and Hotlands- the only place where things really grew. Of course, she still went where she wanted, and did as she pleased. One did not question a boss monster- they came from big money, which they wielded like a weapon. Money was power, and power put you in charge. He didn’t know much about her- nevertheless, there was some commonly known info about her. She used to be the wife of the Baron, the only other boss monster in the Wastes, and the last living monster royalty- or, so it was claimed. Anything to lend credibility to his already unquestionable reign. Although Toriel had once been a humble librarian, she had married up, inheriting a small fortune by default, which she kept even after she left the Baron.

Ah, the Baron- well, no one knew much about him. He had his own personal bodyguards, a group called "The Elite Guard", commonly shortened to "The Elite", a group of individuals hand-trained by him. They had quite the reputation, and were feared and respected all across the Wastes. Their Captain was the hero of the Wastes, and had the biggest reputation of them all. The Baron owned most of the gold in the Wastes. He also owned most of the land in the Wastes. He... owned the Wastes. He was also a big furry boss monster. He had the only house in Hometown- a big, gray stone mansion right next to the barrier. No one imposed on his space, and no one dared to mess with him. Of all the monsters in the Wastes, he was the most dangerous, the most influential, the most secretive, the most... unpredictable. Oh, he had a name, of course-but no one ever dared to mention it above a whisper. His name carried weight in almost any circle. He had heard Alphys say it on occasion, or the Baron’s bodyguard (who, incidentally, was a good friend of his brother Papyrus), but aside from them, even Toriel was cautious when using his name.

Needless to say, you didn't want to pick a bone with a boss monster. It was nice to know that the only two known boss monsters were halfway decent blokes- unlike some other monsters he could mention.

Now, take Dummy, for instance- man, was that guy rude. One would think that he, being a spirit inside of a regular object, would at least take time to be nice to people. But, no. All the guy ever did was criticize others. Sadly, the skeleton knew this from experience- once, the Dummy had asked him to do a job. But, before the client actually told him what the job was, they started telling him how to do his job, and telling him he was “Pitiful, pitiful, PITIFUL!” They hadn’t really gotten along since then.

After the skeleton finished eating his brisket sandwich, or brisketwich- straight from Grillby’s saloon, and loaded with ketchup- he was about ready to stand up to go and talk to some of his friends. Grillby’s was where he usually hung out, as it was both the only place serving good food in the Mounts (the dry, mountainous part of the Wastes) and the closest building to his. He had everything ready to go. He had even just finished feeding his pet rock and grabbed one of his regular after-lunch cigars. But it was just then that he heard footsteps near his door.

Didn’t his clients know Wednesdays were his legally-required day off?

There were a couple of knocks on his door. Knock, knock... It reminded him of some great jokes. He didn’t answer the door, hoping that whoever was knocking would go away. Knock, knock! More insistent this time. A little louder. He still left it alone. Knock! Knock! Another couple of knocks, louder still, made the skeleton think his nonexistent eardrums would burst. Still, he refused to answer the door. KNOCK, KNOCK! Two booming pounds of the persistent fist, and then the slab of splintery wood that was his door fell down off its rusty hinges.

“...Oops. Uh, sorry about that...”

He would know that loud, yet feminine voice anywhere. It was Undyne, Captain of the Elite. The Baron's choice bodyguard.

The heavily armored fish monster stepped gingerly over the piles of dirty socks, chip bags, scraps of paper with puns written on them, hamburger wrappers, ketchup bottles, and other assorted bits of trash. People, especially his brother, often told him to clean it up. But he liked his room the way it was- it generally dissuaded people from coming in. Although he was never a big nature guy, he had a couple of wilting plants by the door. Why? Hopefully, so that people would _leaf_ him alone.

“Sans?” Undyne demanded. “Are you in here?”

“no,” he responded easily.

She snorted. “Sure, and I’m the Baron’s twin brother. What are you up to now, Sans?”

Sans lit his cigar. He wasn’t good friends with Undyne- that was Papyrus’s forte, making friends. They were just acquaintances. She still visited him occasionally, though- usually because his brother was busy.

“nothing in particular. what is it, undyne?” asked Sans in his deep voice, taking a puff on his cigar. At first he had only smoked because it made him look more professional, he thought, but lately it had become a bit of a habit. "you're usually only here for a reason." He could tell she was here for something important, because she had called him by his name. Not “punk” or “shortstack,” her usual nicknames for him, but “Sans.”

The buff monster took off her helmet, showing her red ponytail and her eyepatch. He had asked her a few times why she had it, but had never gotten a straight answer. She only responded with questions about him, like “where’s your parents?” or “why do you want to be a detective, anyways?” He didn’t like those kinds of questions. They usually had him throwing Undyne out of the room. Or telling her to leave, anyways. It would be kind of hard to throw Undyne anywhere.

Sans took another thoughtful puff on his cigar. Undyne sighed- well, more like exhaled explosively. Nothing was gentle with Undyne.

“Sans, you really shouldn’t smoke,” she growled, baring her crooked yellow fangs. “It’s really bad for you. It’ll blacken your lungs- Alphys told me.”

The skeleton quietly turned around in his chair to face her. He adjusted his bowler hat, so as to see her better. “undyne,” he started slowly, “there are a lot of special things about us skeletons. do you know what some of them are?”

Undyne mumbled something about puns under her breath. When Sans raised a skeletal eyebrow, she snorted again and answered, “Um.... You look like humans? Kind of?”

“sure. but what about us is different from humans?” he prompted.

“Why do I feel this is the setup for some horrible pun? Er, you don’t... have hair. Or skin. Or, um...” The bodyguard snarled in frustration. “Just tell me already, Sans!”

He gestured to his ribcage, which showed a little through his fancy suit. Probably because he wasn't wearing his jacket. “we don’t have any organs, undyne. i have no lungs. therefore, smoking can’t hurt me a bit.”

Undyne seemed at a loss for words. “But, then...” She gestured wildly, causing a metal clanking to fill the room, courtesy of her heavy iron armor. “How do you breathe?” she finally asked.

Sans thought for a moment, raised a finger as if to give some logical explanation, and then shrugged. The fish monster bashed her head against the wall. “of course,” he continued, “us having no organs is part of the reason why we’re no good with church music.”

The Baron’s bodyguard summoned her blue spear just to pound it into the ground. “Sans, I’m here for a reason! I’ve got no time for your puns!”

“oh, that’s fine... us skeletons sure are good at waist-ing time.”

“NGAAAAAAH! _Sans!_ ”

“fine, fine...” the skeleton conceded. “you sound just like my brother when you say that, by the way. what are you here for? you’re obviously not looking for some more _humerus_ jokes.”

Undyne facepalmed with her hand that wasn’t holding the spear, and then straightened, making a creaking sound. “I’ve got a job for you.”

“you’ve got a job for me?” Sans was incredulous. “i don’t believe you. you’ve never given me so much as a piece of seaweed- plus, you like to handle things on your own.”

“Well, no, I don’t have a job for you,” she contradicted. “But, I know someone who does. And he’s willing to pay good money, too.”

The skeleton detective leaned forwards. Now he was interested, but something about the way Undyne was talking made him suspicious. “well, go on. who is it?”

His brother’s friend took a deep breath, her yellow eye scanning the room as if to see if anyone was listening. “Asgore Dreemurr.”


	2. The Big Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans gets a new job- whether he likes it or not.
> 
> Thank you all for reading! I suggest listening to this song (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDERgHBL5bA) during the second part of the chapter (when the swivel chair turns around; you'll know what I mean when you read it.) Again, thanks to +The Musical Ghost for their awesome, awesome, awesome remixes! They really help inspire me with this story.

Sans’s eyes widened and he stood up in shock. He had never heard that name spoken so loudly before. A job... for him? From the Baron himself? No, this couldn’t be good. He didn’t want to get involved with any of that stuff. He prided himself on staying neutral. The skeleton didn’t want anything to do with the Boss Monsters- which was why he didn’t live closer to Hometown, or join the Underground. He wanted to stay away from all that stuff.

“quiet,” he hissed. “i don’t do that kind of business here. get out.”

Undyne raised a blue, fishy eyebrow.

“Come on, Sans. You’ve never been one to turn down something important. And this is important.” She lowered her voice. “Like, life and death important.”

He shook his head emphatically, but he was weakening. If there was one thing Sans didn’t want, it was people getting hurt. Especially if he could do something about it. That was what his job was for, wasn’t it? The reason he sat in his office from 7 a.m. to 9 p.m. every day. That and money to take care of him and Papyrus, but that was a different point entirely. “what do you mean by that?” he hedged. Maybe if he got a little more information...

Now it was Undyne who shook her head, her red ponytail flapping from side to side. “I’m not allowed to tell you that. The Baron told me that he wanted to tell you himself.”

The only thing keeping Sans from falling down was his bony hand clutching his desk. Him... meet the Baron? The boss of the whole Wastes? No way was he doing this unless he knew what he was getting himself into! He didn’t want to put himself, or Papyrus, in danger.

Sans shook his head stiffly. “sorry, undyne, but i’m gonna have to turn you down. there’s no way i’m getting mixed up in this sort of thing. the baron’s too- high-up for me, if you know what i mean. i’m just a small-business detective, not an official.”

The fish monster sighed and stood up. “Well, I’m sorry to hear that, Sans. I thought I could convince you to do this the nice way. Goodnight, Sans.”

“goodbye, undy- wait, what do you mea-?”

WHAM. The world suddenly spun and went black.

When Sans came to, he was in a sack, vaguely aware of a pain in his head and warm sunlight filtering in. After a few more rocking motions, he was dumped out unceremoniously on the hard, dusty ground. After tumbling forwards, he landed in a sitting position. Multiple thoughts raced through his mind as he glared up at Undyne. She looked unapologetic.

The skeleton rubbed his head and looked around him. They were standing- or, well, he was sitting- in front of a big door. He wasn’t familiar with this part of the Mounts, which surprised him, because he was familiar with almost all of his town. No one else was around, which was also strange. Undyne, wearing her armor now, tapped her foot impatiently.

“i said i didn’t want anything to do with this!” Sans protested.

“And I told you it wasn’t a choice,” the bodyguard snapped back. “I was very persuasive, I thought.”

“you _stuffed me in a sack!_ ” the detective growled indignantly. “i don’t know about all the rest of this persuasive business, but i’m sticking by what i said earlier. no way, no how, am i getting involved with the baron.” Sans stood up, dusted himself off, and made to leave.

Undyne grabbed him by the back of his suit. “Hold it right there, shortstack! I didn’t bring you over here for nothing. This isn’t _your decision_! You’re going to walk in there with me, sit down, and talk with the Baron about this assignment. If you don’t accept this, Sans, lives _will_ be in danger- including yours. Everybody from the innkeeper to Papyrus could be _dead_ , and it would be _your fault_.”

His empty eye sockets widened in shock. No, nothing could happen to Papyrus. Sans had thought that the best way to protect those he loved would be to stay away from the Baron, but it didn’t look like that was the case anymore. He had built his life around taking care of his brother, and if this was what he had to do, he would do it. Even if it was a lost cause. He closed his eyes and sighed. If this was how it was going to be, so be it. He would try his best. The skeleton firmly detached himself from the fish monster’s gauntleted hands and knocked on the door. It reminded him of some great jokes, but he really wasn’t in the mood.

It opened almost immediately. It was another one of the Elite, a cat monster in full armor. A patch on her shoulder read “Elite 03”. Right behind her was a dragon monster, also a member of the Elite in armor, whose patch read “Elite 02”. They looked suspiciously at Sans, but saw Undyne and immediately gestured her in. The bony detective followed. He saw 02 looking suspiciously at him, and made an “I’m watching you” movement at him until a deep voice from a nearby chair made him spin around.

“Is this him, Undyne?” the gravelly voice inquired. The Captain of the Elite nodded nervously, removing her helmet. The voice grunted. “Come sit down.”

The short skeleton moved stiffly towards an armchair across from the big desk at the back of the spacious room. Looking around, one could appreciate the rare decorum that the decorator of this room had applied. Tasteful pictures, draperies, and vases of flowers adorned the tables and walls. The themes seemed to be gold, a royal purple, and... more gold. The flowers were gold, the wood had a golden hue, the armchairs were purple with gold trimmings- someone very rich owned this place. The biggest desk was set with a full tea tray. The theme of the tea set and accompanying snacks was also gold.

As Sans settled himself down in the surprisingly comfy armchair, and Undyne did the same with a nearby seat, the big swivel chair behind the desk turned around. As it creaked, the suspense built, and the skeleton could feel sweat bead on his forehead. He rubbed his head uncomfortably, the itch of the sweat only adding to the dull ache there from being knocked out in the first place. He shot a dirty look at Undyne before the chair completely turned around. The massive, low-voiced figure in the chair raised its head. Its mouth opened, and Sans could feel his soul pounding before it said:

“Howdy! Would you like a cup of tea?”

Sans just sat and stared for a moment in disbelief. The Baron, ruler of all the Wastes, sat right there in front of him. The figure in the swivel chair was big, but not in a fat sort of way. He wore a fancy suit with a golden flower on the lapel and a golden bowtie. His giant white-furred paws were folded in front of him on the desk. He wore a fashionably scruffy yellow-gold beard, and a monocle shaded one of his deep brown eyes. A black silk fedora hat rested on his head. The fanged mouth was smiling, and the skeleton realized that the Baron was waiting for an answer. But he couldn’t bring himself to say a word.

The Baron laughed. “Speechless, eh? I’ve been met with that before.”

Undyne shifted in her chair, and Sans could tell that the even the fish monster wasn’t completely at ease around the Baron. “Fuhuhu!” she laughed nervously. The chuckle lacked its usual roughness, and Sans wondered if it was because of him or the Baron. “I’ll take some tea, Baron.”

The fluffy white boss monster smiled in satisfaction and poured some of the steaming tea into Undyne’s teacup, brought out of the bodyguard’s pocket, which was tinted blue and strangely shaped like a fish. The tea, too, was golden, and smelled like the flowers in the vases. The Baron turned to Sans and, seeing him still silent, poured him a cup too. The skeleton stammered out a “thank you” and took a sip. It was burning hot- but, other than that, it tasted pretty good. And it lessened the pain in his head. The Baron must have seen his surprised expression, because he grinned as he passed around a tray of small golden butter cookies.

“Pretty good, isn’t it? It’s my personal favorite. Not only is it delicious, but it’s good for healing, too.” At this last statement, Undyne shot a guilt-laden glance at the skeleton sitting next to her. He saw it and glared back. He was definitely not ready to forgive the bodyguard yet. If there was one thing Sans could do, it was hold grudges.

The Baron caught wind of the exchange and scratched his neck. “Um, I’m rather sorry about that,” he murmured awkwardly. “This is very important, and I really needed to see you. You see,” the Boss Monster explained, his voice strengthening in confidence, “a couple of weeks ago, we received an urgent telegram from the Barrens- you know, the place where us monsters used to live before we moved farther away from Ebott Cliffs.”

Sans nodded, intrigued, and took another sip of the tea. He had forgotten that a few monsters still remained there after almost everyone left. It had always interested him that monsters lived all across the Wastes, not just in Hometown. After they left the Barrens, previously called “Home”, the monsters had spread out, staying in the place that they liked, until only the Boss Monsters really lived in Hometown. It was also interesting to know that the monsters in the Barrens still had contact with the Baron. Huh- Baron, Barrens- those words rhymed. He would have to think of a pun for that. He remembered that the Baron had been talking to him.

“oh. er, what did the telegram say, your- uh...” What the blazes was the proper form of address for a Boss Monster? “your highness?” he floundered uncertainly.

The Baron laughed. “Just call me Baron. And, um... What is your name? We never were properly introduced.”

A little flustered, Sans stood up and stuck out his hand. “the name’s sans. sans the skeleton.” Baron stood up too, reached out a big hairy white paw, and-

_Pfffffft._

The Boss Monster’s eyes grew wide. So did Sans’s. He had forgotten to remove the customary handshaking whoopee cushion from his hand. He swiftly put it back in his pocket, blushing openly. Undyne choked on a mouthful of cookie, staring in disbelief. As the detective shrank back down in his chair in embarrassment, Baron opened up his mouth and laughed.

“Hilarious!” he chortled jovially. “Do you do that to everyone?”

“yes,” Sans muttered in quiet embarrassment, wishing he could disappear. “or, well, i usually do. i just... forgot to remove it... i’m so sorry....”

“No, don’t apologize,” Baron laughed. “Really, it’s fine. I haven’t heard a good joke in ages.” He chuckled a little while longer and then, as if remembering why he was here, sat back down and assumed a serious face.

"what _did_ the telegram say?” prompted the skeleton.

“Oh. Yes. Well, the telegram was from an old acquaintance of mine, who actually lives in Oasis. He was just visiting some of his friends in the Barrens- or, well, trying to. But they were all gone. He looked high and low for them, and he eventually decided to take a break. Thought they might be playing a trick on him... Most monsters aren’t very nice to him, actually. So he rested on a bed of leaves and pretended to sleep. You know, saying “z” and all that. But then someone... _new_ showed up. Someone he didn’t recognize- and he knew everyone in the Barrens.”

A chill ran down Sans’s spine. “but, the door to the barrens is locked from the inside, isn’t it?... so how...?”

Baron shrugged. “I don’t know. He doesn’t know. But they pushed him out of the way and tried to fight him. They had a toy knife, and they were waving it around at him. Took a swing at him a couple times. Since he’s a ghost, he’s incorporeal, and they couldn’t hurt him. He found it disturbing, however, and he immediately told me. He said... he said he’d figured out where his friends had gone.”

Undyne looked sick. Sans had never seen her look like that. Her knuckles were tight around her blue teacup, and it looked like it had some new fractures in it. “So, you mean...?”

The Boss Monster nodded, a grimace twisting his face. “The newcomer killed them all. Every last one of them.”

Sans set his teacup down gingerly, starting to feel a little sick himself. Considering that he didn’t have any insides, this troubled him a little. But what troubled him more was the news of death. The reason they were still down here is that they believed they would be safe. Now that last delusion of safety, of possible happiness, was gone- and many irreplaceable monsters with it. His features hardened with anger.

“You see now why I called you, Sans?” asked Baron, leaning forwards and folding his large paws in front of him. “I need you to figure out who this murderer is and how to stop them. It’s obvious that they are strong, strong enough to kill ten or twelve monsters with little retaliation. We can’t let a killer run around the Wastes. Will you help me with this? If you are successful in apprehending them, you will be rewarded. If you fail... well, we’ll probably all be dead.”

The small, fancy room fell into an uncomfortable silence. It was disturbing beyond thought that someone so powerful was out to kill. Sans knew now, without a doubt, that this wasn’t a choice. Not because he was afraid of refusing the Boss Monster- though he was- but because he could do something about it, and not saving innocent monsters when there was a chance was the worst sin possible in his mind. Not least of the many reasons that he knew this was what he needed to do was the fact that Papyrus- sweet, gentle Papyrus- would probably be one of the first to fall into this murderer’s path.

Sans nodded. “i definitely accept, baron. i will help you in any way i can.”

The Baron nodded, leaning back a little in his large chair, obviously a little relieved. The fish monster sitting next to him gave him a strange, slightly smug, look. _Why couldn’t you have just accepted earlier?_ it asked. Sans chose to ignore it.

“Well, you’ll need this file,” the massive white Boss Monster told him, shoving a manila folder across the desk at him. “It’s not exactly... stuffed with evidence, but we have everything that my acquaintance told us, and a few educated guesses. Also in there are some instructions- like where to go for information, and such. Oh, and please don’t tell anyone else about it who we haven’t told already. It’s kind of classified information. Spreading around news that a murderer was headed to the Mounts would be...”

“bad,” the detective agreed. “but, what do i tell papyrus?”

“Your brother has been told that you are going on a... legally mandated vacation. For all the good work you’ve done.” Undyne snorted, but Sans thought it was acceptable. With all the fuss he already made about breaks, it would be easily believable.

Sans looked at the folder. “well, if we’re going to catch this guy, i’d better start working.”

The Baron nodded. “Oh. And- be careful about some of the monsters in there. There’s one informant in particular I feel I should warn you about. If anything mildly suspicious goes on in the Wastes, he’ll know about it. But he isn’t particularly... er, stable. He’s an, um...” the Boss Monster searched for an adequate word. “ _ Unique _ individual,” he finally said.

The skeleton looked inside the folder and nodded. “it takes a unique individual to have the name ‘flowey the flower’, alright. but what else do you mean by it?”

“He isn’t very nice to people. He seems nice at first, but if you get on his bad side, he can get... a bit creepy, honestly. He may be a flower, but you don’t want to see him on his bad side.”

“so... what you’re saying here is that although he’s a flower, he’s no pansy?”

Undyne snorted, as did the Baron. “Yes, exactly. He’ll tell you what he knows, usually, but for a price. He works with a movement I’m sure you’ve heard of. Er, the details are in the file. I’d rather not go into too much detail here.”

Sans nodded. “i understand. where should i go first?”

“Everything you need to know is in the folder.” The Boss Monster stood up. “It was nice meeting you, Sans the Skeleton. I... wish I didn’t have to say this, but I really can’t have anyone knowing where I am. Security, you know.” He held out a blindfold to Sans. “I’m not really sure about how your eyes work, but if you kindly put on this blindfold, I’ll have Undyne escort you back to your place.”

The skeleton waved a hand. “that’s not really necessary. you can just get me somewhere in town, and then i’ll be able to get wherever you want quicker.”

The Baron dipped his head and waved a paw. Sans put on the blindfold, and he felt Undyne’s gauntleted hand steer him, a little too forcefully, out of the door and around a few turns. He walked compliantly for a while, mulling over the things that the Baron had said. After they had gone for what he considered long enough, the skeleton stopped.

“i’m sure i can find my way from here, undyne,” he told her stiffly. He’d really rather not be seen with the Baron’s bodyguard just now- especially if this case was supposed to be secret. Some monsters already didn’t trust him, and seeing him with Undyne would not at all help his credibility. Although the bodyguard was associated with the Boss Monsters and was considered a hero, most people were uneasy around her. Including Sans.

“You don’t know where you are, shortstack,” scoffed Undyne. “We’re not to Mount Town yet.”

“trust me, undyne... i can find my way there from anywhere.”

The fish monster thought about it for a little bit, and finally grunted agreement. “Fine. We’re far away enough from where we were that the Baron won’t have my head for it. If you get lost, don’t blame me.”

“the baron doesn’t really seem the violent type,” Sans commented as he took off his blindfold, glancing around. Undyne was right- he had no idea where he was- some random alleyway. All he saw in any direction was dust and brick walls. A few lone pieces of trash floated in the wind.

The bodyguard grimaced, taking off her helmet and shaking out her red ponytail. “He seems like a big fluffy pushover, but you haven’t seen him in a bad mood. He can be quite fierce when he wants to. Well, good luck out there, punk.”

The short detective nodded and set off around the nearest corner. Once he was out of Undyne’s sight, he took a “shortcut”, as he liked to call them, to the place he knew he wanted to go first.

Grillby’s.


	3. Nyeh Heh Heh!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wowie! Sorry I took so long to post this chapter... I was gone at a camp with no technology, and then summer was crazy, and then... well... a lot of things happened! Thank you all again for reading! (135 views...?! Wowie!) All comments, constructive criticism, complaints, and suggestions are welcome in the comments!
> 
> Once again, please check out +TheMusicalGhost's YouTube channel! Here's the song that goes with this chapter: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aP3qLPFnsPk 
> 
> Nyeh heh heh!

The small saloon was even hotter than outside, if that was possible. The air was more humid than the dusty, dry air of the Alps, however, and the whole building was permeated by a sweet, greasy smell- frying oil mixed with barbecue. A strange combination, to be sure, but very tasty. Short, comfortable bar stools stood at a grainy wooden counter. A colorful, broken record player stood in the corner, the word “Grillby’s” written above it in flashing neon. The records had names of both old swing hits and some different tunes- for example, one bore the name of a mariachi band. Booths with bottles of ketchup and tabasco populated the right side of the saloon, while small lone tables resided on the left. On those tables, dogs congregated and played cards. In the top left corner resided a fire exit. Behind the counter and the monsters sitting on bar stools, a fire monster, the owner of the saloon, habitually polished a shining clean glass. The flaming eyes behind his square-framed glasses glanced around the room, often coming back to the entrance. He didn’t look surprised when a skeleton suddenly appeared, as if out of nowhere, by the door.

“hey guys,” the detective greeted everyone in the saloon casually.

“Hey, Sans.” “(Hi, Sans.)” Dogamy and Dogaressa responded in unison.

Doggo, Lesser Dog, and Greater Dog just acknowledged him with barks. They weren’t quite members of the Elite, but they did work for the Baron. Kind of. Technically, everyone worked for the Baron, seeing as he owned the Wastes. But that’s besides the point. It was their job to “look after the Mounts,” which they and the other dogs did pretty well.

“Hiya, Sansy~” sang the slightly drunk rabbit in the corner booth.

“Greetings, Sans.” The strange big-mouthed monster nodded to him. The other regulars greeted him as well.

“Hey Sans,” one of the birds on the barstools asked, “weren’t you just here for breakfast a little while ago?”

“nah,” the skeleton responded easily, “i haven’t had breakfast in at least half an hour. you must be thinking of lunch.”

The monsters laughed, and the fire monster gave a kind of crackly sigh. He’d been the tester for the detective’s puns too many times to count. Sans made his way over to one of the empty barstools- the one without a whoopee cushion planted on it- and sat down, making himself comfortable.

“hey, grillbz. just a bottle of ketchup, please.” The saloon owner nodded, going back through the “fire exit” at the top left corner. Sans had tried to go through once, but the bartender had told him rather frankly: “You can’t go through the fire exit because you’re not made of fire.”

The short skeleton took out the big manila folder and opened it up. One of the first things he saw was a note on the top. From the Baron. He could almost hear the deep voice rumbling through the oddly formal wording.

_Sans, something I may have forgotten to tell you. Please don’t try to find the place where we were again. I have safe houses all across the Wastes, and only the Captain and I know where they all are. It would be rather awkward if my safe houses were no longer safe, and I would have to take action._

_That aside, I thank you again for taking the case, and urge you to be careful. Many of the informants in here have reliable information, but cannot be trusted in other respects. Try not to get involved in the other places I send you to. Keep in mind that some information comes from dark places, where you really shouldn’t go too deep. Just take what you can get and get out, and refrain from trusting anyone. You are working for me and me alone._

_I hope I can trust you on this._

_Respectfully yours,_

_Baron Asgore Dreemurr_

Sans nodded thoughtfully. Taking the Baron’s warning to heart, he leafed through some of the other files in the folder. There was a page about a “Muffet’s Saloon” somewhere in the Hotlands, a file on “Flowey the Flower” and some other monsters, and a page with a title circled in red marker. The detective looked more closely at this paper, and almost choked. The bolded title read “The Underground.”

The... the Baron wanted him to go to the Underground? No wonder he left all those warnings about trust! The Underground was the secret organization that opposed the Baron; its members probably weren’t aware that the Baron knew about them. Apparently, according to the annotations, it was a very good place to go get information. There were instructions about how to get there and some code words to say in order to gain access to their info.

_Wow. The Baron’s pretty dang well informed. Wonder how he got all this information... Wonder if the Underground knows he’s onto them._

Grillby came back through the fire exit with a bottle of ketchup. Sans offered him a quiet “thank you” before returning to the folder and his thoughts. The goal of the Underground was to eventually get inside the castle belonging to the Baron, where it was rumored that six or seven human SOULs were kept, and free the monsters from the barrier. The Baron, on the other hand, did not want the monsters to leave, but wanted them to “stay here where we are safe from the humans’ destructive violence”. The situation had to be pretty diddly dang desperate if the Baron was recommending joining the Underground, his mortal enemies.

The detective took a swig from the glass bottle of ketchup and closed the file. He knew what he needed to do, but there were a few things he had to take care of first. Namely, his brother. Papyrus must be worried by now, although Undyne had probably told him about Sans’ “legally mandated vacation”. The tall skeleton would think it was _fishy_ if it was only Undyne’s word, and Sans didn’t come and talk to him personally about it. Plus, he needed to make sure the one monster he cared about the most was safe.

Sliding down off the cushioned stool, the short skeleton slipped the folder in his pocket, taking a last drink of ketchup before placing the bottle on the counter.

“put it on my tab, grillbz,” he grinned. Sans’ “tab” was a joke between him and Grillby. The fire monster had insisted, ever since the detective saved Fuku’s life, that “you don’t need to pay here, Sans.” It would have been a blow to the short skeleton’s pride to blatantly accept charity, thankful or not- thus the “tab”, probably over 1000G by now, was born. Grillby offered the skeleton a nod before the latter walked out the door, offering a casual wave to the other monsters in the saloon.

The hot, dry air hit him with a blast of dusty wind. The heat always peaked in the late afternoon, which it was. The ache in his head had gone down a lot after that tea, but it still remained, a persistent poke at his consciousness. _I should get some more of that “golden flower” tea. It really helped._

Sans trudged through the dusty streets, wishing he wasn’t still wearing his business suit. The heat bore down on him more than usual, though perhaps that wasn’t only because of his clothing. Maybe it was the weight of a new job. Maybe it was knowing he had to lie to his brother, one of the few monsters he knew he could unfailingly trust. Maybe it was his conscience, ragging on him for accepting a job from the Baron..... Or maybe not. It was probably just his imagination.

The detective finally reached his and his brothers’ house, a big two-story log cabin with a balcony and a couple of windows that light shone out from. Their shed, or garage, was to the right of the house, and their two mailboxes were to the left. His poor brother’s mailbox was empty. Sans’s was overflowing with advertisements and other junk mail. He never even bothered to throw those letters away. He was a lazy guy, and it was a waste of his time to even open the things.

Casually unlocking the door, the skeleton stepped inside the house. A gust of cool air immediately relieved the uncomfortable heat of his suit. He proceeded to go through his regular routine of entering the house after his job. The radio, which was always left on to one of that famous performer’s shows, he turned off. He patted his faithful pet rock and snickered at the sock in the middle of the room, so covered in sticky notes you could barely tell what it was. He checked in the fridge to see if his brother had bought him some chips, or maybe made something that wasn’t spaghetti.

He hadn’t.

With a knowing chuckle, Sans stepped up the stairs. Instead of heading to his room on the left, as he usually did, he instead went to the door on the right. His brother’s door. The door had a stop sign and a couple lines of caution tape, and bore three signs: “NO BOYS ALLOWED!”, “NO GIRLS ALLOWED!”, and “PAPYRUS ALLOWED!” He had tried once to explain the confusion of these signs to his brother, who had shrugged him off as usual. Snorting at the memory, the short skeleton knocked on the door. It swung open immediately.

Standing there on the other side was a tall skeleton with a roguish look on his face and quizzical eyebrows (don’t ask; Sans wasn’t sure how he had them either). He wore a fancy suit and slacks. A small bowler hat tilted down at a rakish angle on his head. The collar was untucked. In contrast to his other apparel, a tattered red cape flowed from where it was tied around his neck. Tall black boots were on his feet.

“sup, papyrus,” Sans greeted him.

“YOU KNOW WHAT’S ‘SUP’, BROTHER!” the tall skeleton glared- his usual reaction to Sans’ casual greeting. Then, unexpectedly, his stern gaze brightened. “UNDYNE TOLD ME ALL ABOUT IT! YOU’RE GETTING A VACATION!!”

“yup,” the short skeleton lied casually.

“WOWIE!! YOUR BOSS MUST BE VERY PROUD WITH ALL THE WORK YOU’VE DONE TO GIVE YOU SUCH A LONG VACATION! ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THE BREAKS YOU TAKE...” Papyrus looked at him a little accusingly before resuming his excited expression. “WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!”

“uh... all over, really.” Sans hadn’t quite thought his excuse through this far. “thought i’d spend some time in the oasis, catch some rays in the hotlands, you know... i might just relax at grillby’s some days. wouldn’t want to travel too far from my natural habitat.”

The detective’s brother shook his head in exasperation. “BRISKET IS OKAY EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE, BUT HONESTLY! YOU NEED TO EAT SOME MORE NUTRITIOUS FOOD! LIKE MY SPAGHETTI!! NYEH HEH HEH!!!”

Sans grimaced. His brother’s spaghetti was, at best, inedible. He’d tried eating it once and had decided, for the sake of his poor bones, to never do it again. But he didn’t like to hurt his brother’s feelings, so he made excuses. Lots of excuses.

“does it really matter if i eat healthy?” asked the short skeleton casually. “after all, we don’t have digestive systems.”

“OH.” Papyrus was silent. “GOOD POINT. BUT STILL!” He looked fiercely at Sans. “WE MAY NOT HAVE DIGESTING SYSTEMS-” Sans sighed and shook his head- “BUT WE CAN STILL HAVE STANDARDS!!”

“well, what are you going to do when i’m gone?” The detective hastily changed the subject. He was curious, though. Papyrus wasn't the type of monster to like being alone.  “you don’t have an official job.... will you just live off your spaghetti?”

Papyrus shrugged. “SINCE IT WOULD BE LONELY LIVING HERE ALONE, UNDYNE SAID I COULD STAY AT HER PLACE IN OASIS. I’M SURE I CAN BRING SOME SPAGHETTI! SHE LOVES IT! NYEH HEH HEH HEH!!!” The tall skeleton’s face grew thoughtful. “SHE ALSO MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT... PROTECTING ME?! BUT WHEN I ASKED HER SHE CHANGED THE SUBJECT. I’M SURE SHE’S JUST MAKING SURE I WON’T FALL INTO A RIVER AGAIN. BUT!! I’M NOT A BABY BONES ANYMORE, AND I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! IF UNDYNE WANTS ME TO BE CAREFUL, I WILL BE!!!”

Sans nodded in relief. While he knew what Undyne had meant, he was also glad that Papyrus knew to be careful. Years ago, when his brother was just a baby bones, barely one year old, just old enough to crawl around, Sans had gone to visit a friend in Oasis. He didn’t quite remember who the friend was, or why he had been going there alone, but he did remember the incident that came next:

_Papyrus followed him, probably wondering where his big brother was going. He had gone pretty deep into Oasis, but had stopped to rest when his brother caught up to him. It was lucky that Sans turned around in time to see his brother fall into a swift river. He had panicked and started wading into the river, trying to reach Papyrus. But skeletons aren’t very good swimmers- and Sans had never been taught or bothered to learn, due to the fact that the Oasis was the only place with free-flowing water. Sans lost control and went under. They would have both been swept away by the fast current if not for an old turtle, who had been fishing a little further downstream. He wore a tan suit, khakis, and a tan pith helmet. He had a long, scraggly beard, and what looked like a permanent squint in his right eye._

_The turtle immediately caught on to Papyrus with his fishing rod, but had to hold out a long piece of wood which looked oddly like the handle of a hammer for Sans to grab onto. It was pure luck that the short skeleton, who was only 12, blinded by the dark, marshy water, was able to clutch onto the wood long enough for the turtle to pull him out. The old turtle used some faintly purple magic- one of the first instances of magic that Sans had ever seen- to get Papyrus breathing again. Sans had no idea how that worked- them being skeletons- but he definitely still needed air. It was a strange feeling to drown without lungs. He sat there and gasped for air for a few moments before reaching out to hug Papyrus._

_“_ _thank you,” Sans finally managed to get out._

_The turtle waved a hand in dismissal._ _“Weren’t nothin’, young’un. Always my pleasure to help. You two need to be more careful- that river’s caught many a monster off-guard. Y’all weren’t the first, and ya won’t be the last!” He looked at the two appraisingly. “Say, I’ve never seen you two ‘round here. Where’re ya from?”_

_Sans stammered out something about recently moving to the Mounts, and who they’d been there to visit..._

_The old turtle nodded. “You’re here ta visit them, eh? That’s nice of ya- they don’t get many visitors. What’s your name, son?”_

_“i’m... i’m sans. my brother’s papyrus. what’s... um, what’s your name, mister?”_

_Their savior gave a wheezy chuckle. “Wahaha! Just call me Gerson, sonny. Y’all should probably get home, and drink some soup or somethin’, ya hear? I’m sure your parents’ll take good enough care of ya. Just make sure y’all don’t get pneumonia.”_

_For some reason, Sans started to feel uncomfortable at one of those last sentences. “we should be going now. thanks for all your help, uh, gerson.” He took Papyrus in his arms and started walking the way he had come, forgetting all about the person he had gone to visit in the new light of needing to get his brother home and safe._

_Gerson’s parting words to him came with another raspy laugh. “Wahaha! Be careful out there, kid!”_

Sans was drawn out of his reverie by his brother stepping out of the room and slamming the door. One of the pieces of caution tape fell free, but Papyrus didn’t seem to notice. “WELL, I’M PRETTY MUCH READY TO GO! I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN ON YOUR VACATION, SANS!!! MAKE SURE YOU. EAT. HEALTHY!! NYEH HEH HEH!” Bearing a sack on his shoulder- making him look a little bit like Santa Claus- the tall skeleton practically flew down the stairs and out the door. The detective stared after him for a bit before chuckling.

“typical papyrus. at least undyne will make sure he’s safe.” He made a mental note to thank Undyne before remembering that his headache was her fault. _Sigh..._ He still wasn’t quite sure what to make of the Captain of the Elite. She had an unique personality. Speaking of unique, Sans decided he had better make his way over to the Underground’s secret entrance, deep in the Oasis, and find out whether the Baron’s advice was any good.


End file.
